It seems that the only way I can really analyze myself is by noticing something I do physically and considering how that relates to what is going on in my head. Like diagnosing myself as anxious about Ł because I was sleeping poorly. Anyway.

One of the things I'm training myself to do, while I'm here in hill country, is to let myself go when running downhill. I love running hills, *love love love it*, and I really fucking miss hills when I leave here and return to Warsaw. But I mainly love the uphill. I have a real problem with lengthening my stride and taking advantage of gravitational pull on the way down. The moment that should be easiest turns into a fight against gravity to slow myself down, reduce acceleration, stem the flow.

So of course I wonder what this means, symbolically. Maybe: I am not afraid of doing the hard work to achieve something, that is certain. I'm not. But I am afraid of fulling reaping the benefits once I'm there. Or the letting go requires a faith that I don't have, that my legs will carry me, that I won't get overwhelmed by the downward pull and capsize. That uninhibited glee won't hurt me.

Alternatively, this is really just about me having weak hip flexors.

Anyway I'm working on it.