I have received a number of very pleasant compliments recently. My PT complimented my execution of my oblique exercises (OK, that doesn't really count as a compliment so much as a commendation). K and M both separately complimented me on my kid-skills (I experience very strong ambivalence when told I'm good with kids. It makes me heartbroken to not have any of my own). J complimented me on my spinach salad (thanks Mom!). That was my favourite because she said "Jasia. You turned out to be a genius." I like how she talks.

Man, I am itchy today.

Here's the other poem I wrote this week. It was in response to K who was supposed to send me a paper on Friday, then on Sunday wrote saying I'd get it in a moment, and when I didn't I threw down the gauntlet:


Ty mi obiecuj co możesz dostarczyć
"zaraz" minęło, ja nie chce już warczeć
Dużo tu mowy o jakichś wyzwaniach
Wolę się skupić na prostych zadaniach

Masz pierwszą wersję to prześlij, bez blagi
to szybciej dostaniesz me liczne uwagi
że będzie ich sporo nie możesz mieć złudzeń
wersji betowych napiszesz do znudzeń

Żeby nie stwierdzić, że v1 to klapa
Sprawdź czy formaty wszystkie masz APA
Sprawdź po raz trzeci brak literówek
Bo potem nie przyjmę żadnych wymówek


(oh yeah, I should say, then he didn't reply for 4 days)

I have to say, when these high-school- or less-than-high-school-educated men contact me on dating sites, I have to wonder, what are they thinking? WHAT are they THINKING?

Here's today's progress (after a productive 4 hours of faculty council meeting):

no i się boję
że znowu coś zgnoję
wydychać zapomnę
(o liczeniu nie wspomnę)

nóg nie sprostuję
łyk wody wypluję
nie ściągnę łopatek
i będzie dramatek

Need a final verse.

I hate it when I warn You not to be complacent, and You are, and then I'm right.

I've been focusing my literary energies on poems for people other than the PT, but I started this poem last week, which I think I have to finish soon if ever. Let's see if I can make headway today.

Ciało mnie boli
nie jadam fasoli
bo Szymon zabrania
fasoli jadania

Choć strasznie się męczę
to raczej nie jęczę
jak powie "iiiiiii... luz"
to zmieniam sie w gruz

wtedy tak padam
jak z nieba spadł Adam
uwielbiam te ferie
dzielące 3 serie

gdy Szymon jest w dziczy
to gorzej się ćwiczy
bo nikt nie pilnuje
czy dobrze trenuję

musi być zwrotka o tym, jak niebezpieczne jest to, że nikt mi nie przypomina oddychać. Ale trudno mi dziś znaleźć dobry rym+rytm. Maybe further progress will be made with time.

Meanwhile, incredible things are happening in the world.

I have been thinking a lot recently, as usual, about power relations. And about how one clear indication of power is whose emotions are voiced and whose are not allowed to be voiced.

Also, ever since A did that management profile on me, I have been making a concerted effort to not expect too much of people, and to assume that they have done the best they could with their assignments, and then give them feedback that communicates that I see potential for growth rather than seeing mindlessness and lack of serious effort. I am actually not sure that this is a good system. Apart from maintaining better relations, I think it means that I resign myself to be the sole tender of quality in my workplace. MAYBE THAT'S TOO PESSIMISTIC.

So, I basically never argue with anyone these days. I get into discussions, I negotiate, but I never argue. If I disagree, I'm pretty careful to validate the other person's pov so that the interaction ends amicably/respectfully. Except last week, when I was out of my head from lack of sleep, and I got into a right tiff with the Dean of Studies. I bring this up now because I just had to approach him in official business, and since I never argue with people, I was not sure how one ought to behave in the twilight of such an event. I didn't apologize, because I don't think I was in the wrong. Then again, I probably reacted in a way that he wasn't anticipating. So I did a little of indirect explanation of my response. Hhmmmm.

I may not have done much to improve the world today, but I did do the NYT crossword in 10:11, which is a very good time for me on a Wednesday.

Have I ever told You about my brother? He's amazing.

It's funny, I took my brother to my PT yesterday (he's terrifically sore today, poor kid) (my brother, that is) and then afterwards we went to eat fish chowder then killed some time at my hiphop "recital" and then when I took him home we talked to my stepmother about what kinds of exercises he had done with the PT, and she quite interestedly said "What did he say? Is there hope??"

This, after last week, when she emphatically forbade me to take him to the PT because he's a kid and should be out playing soccer with friends not going to a PT. I can't decide if this is a testament to my negotiation skills or her mental imbalance.

As You know, I'm not one to make friends so much. I tend to avoid interactions with new people, say in my Norwegian class or at hiphop or whatever. I quite civilly respond to outreach, but I'm not interested in forming new connections and I'm very effective at maintaining distance. And I seldom, given my lifestyle, am forced into interactions with anyone with any regularity. I have an erratic schedule of contacts*.

So it's been a while since I've gone through the process of getting to know someone. I guess most recently would be the people who used to share a room with me at work with whom I went through this process about 4 years ago, and even that was a sort of unregulated gradual thing wherein I resisted and never did anything active to form these connections; but once they were formed, from casual but regular interactions, then I started the work of relationship maintenance--which is actually something I do quite well. So now, despite the current lack of daily interactions these are connections I'm sure of.

(IMPLICIT MESSAGE: I'm a lot of work at first, but once I commit I'm committed. As K has said before, and not only to himself, maybe this isn't such a good system.)

So, anyway, meeting with the PT twice a week is a rare case. It turns out to be quite strangely intimate.

* this, by the way, totally sucks.

Today some friends came over to give me an invitation for their wedding.* We weren't going to meet up, but they happened to be on their way home while I was on my way home (after 10pm) and they suggested that they drop by, and I was, like, perhaps You would prefer to meet on more neutral ground? And they were like, No, we really don't mind stopping by Yours, and I was like, My place isn't really adjusted for guests just now, and they were like, We really don't mind.

So my question is this: How much more blatant could I be with my "I don't want You stopping by right now, because while it might not bother You to see my apt in its current state, it will SERIOUSLY BOTHER ME for You to see it so"? Jeez. People. TAKE. THE. HINT.

* this is not an integral part of the story/rant, but Polish people tend to give wedding invitations in person. It's like a whole thing. I don't understand why. The postal service really is not that bad. It must be some courtesy thing, but really, there is such drama surrounding delivering the goddamn invitation I would just as soon find it in my mailbox next time.

(Next time! ha ha!)

I'm a little disturbed at the reasons students are giving for wanting to be on the Admissions Committee this year. They revolve around 1) the intellectual qualia of the current cohort 2) my [allegedly] comically bizarre behaviour whilst heading the committee. Hhmmmmm.

I am listening to the radio interview I did last week about sexism. It took me several days to gear myself up to be able to listen to it without gagging. The interviewer did a good job of editing so I don't sound dumb. It'll be up on the website later this week, I'll link to it then. I say "dokladnie" all the fricking time.

I forgot to take my magnesium this morning at breakfast and I'm about to go for a run, and my chin just cramped up. So I took my magnesium and am waiting for it to absorb before going out. Maybe I should eat lunch and go in 2 hours, actually, because I'm kind of hungry.

Anyway, what I wanted to discuss today is my running schedule, and how I don't want to share it with my personal trainer (PT). I don't know why, but probably because I don't want him to tell me I'm doing it wrong, because I don't trust him about running. I sent him an email with my general intentions about my athletic endeavours in the coming weeks, mainly so we could agree on good days to meet vis-a-vis my other activities, and he wrote back asking for more details regarding my planned speed intervals. I had a very strong "what's it to You?!" response. I ignored that request by I'm afraid it'll come up, and the basic and most honest response I can give him is that I don't trust him enough to talk to him about it. And then I recalled this conversation I had with one of my friends, who is also seeing this PT, and who said that he wasn't running because he had given his heart to our PT. And now I'm all resistant and, like, I am NOT going to sell my physical soul to this guy. He's supposed to be teaching me how to do a pop-up, not asking about my diet (already explored at length, before my defenses were properly up) or my running.

Or am I just being a bad patient.

I guess I'll have to think about that on my run.

I think people should have to take water traffic classes before being permitted to swim in public pools.

I'm always amazed by people who come into my office, regardless of my office hours, see me working, sometimes with a student, maybe doing some analyses or having a discussion, and assume that that means I'm "free" to help them right then. They stand at the door and say "May I?" and I respond, "I'm working"* and then they proceed to come in and explain what it is that they need, which is invariably something that would take me cognitive effort and time, oh, and I should do it as a favour, to them personally, because while we have zero relationship otherwise they've heard I'm good at whatever it is they are asking me to do.

I'm just saying: If I don't know You, and You want me to do You a favour, shouldn't You take care to ask me for help at a moment when it wouldn't be perceived as dismissing as negligible what I actually *choose* to work on? Just a thought, Young Grasshoppers. Go forth and think before You act more, aight?

*because apparently it isn't evident enough by my hunched posture over the keyboard/notepapers (Hey People! I practise that posture, to the displeasure of my personal trainer, so it'll be REAL CLEAR that I'm WORKING!)