I feel like one of the things (THE main thing?) that determines whether a relationship will materialize after a few dates, or not, is the match between the level of maintenance one party gives and the level of maintenance the other party wishes to receive. For example, it is not atypical to hear that someone doesn't want to see a date again because he calls too seldom, or because he just keeps calling (this second variant is more typical for me). I don't like it when they call too much. It's great--really wonderful--when they communicate that they like me. That is super. The problem appears because they almost always follow that up (before I respond) with numerous other communications about what they think and feel about me. This is not OK* for 2 reasons: a) this often happens before I feel that they have any real idea of who I am, so I think they are egregiously premature in their judgements; b) in terms of general rules of engagement, it seems to me that convention dictates that one party says something, and then should wait for the other to respond before offering up more of itself. If the other party isn't responding, it doesn't always mean that the silence has to be filled. Or maybe, it would be nice, instead of externalizing some more, to ask the other person to externalize?**
So when I get all these calls/text messages/whatever, it feels like a) they are overconfident in their judgements of people b) they are not following basic rules of communication c) they are trying to maintain me in a way that I don't want to be maintained. In a way that doesn't work for me. This makes me think less of the guy. But all this might just be rationalization.
Really what it is, is that I think that this frequency of calling indicates the level of maintenance one is willing to put into a relationship, and probably will expect in return. I don't maintain too much. I can't be with someone, I think, who requires so much maintenance. So this is a sign for me that we are not a good match.***
I think for every person there is a sweet spot between aloofness and overeagerness that most other people don't hit -- and it's not because they are necessarily bad matched on other dimensions, but bad matches on this particular dimension, which could be taken as symptomatic for how a longer relationship would look, in terms of depth/frequency/kind of interactions. But could also be entirely inaccurate.
So, basically, I'm trying not to let that affect my opinions of men who otherwise seem alright.
* for me.
** This might be the most important part of this post. Truer than the other parts. Maybe it's that I want someone to help me externalize, and most people don't know how to do that.
*** Of course the flip side are the people who don't maintain at all, and that is a whole other disappointed blog post.
Pursuer- distancer dynamics. Obviously you are a distancer but that doesn't mean you can't couple with a pursuer. You just need to work things out on how you can balance it.
ReplyDeleteCaricatures:
Pursuer: Loss of a smile can never be replaced. The absent person is either idealised without fault or condemned without plausible explanation. The pursuer is addicted to pursuit and hope inspires a garden of roses. When the roses are found, the thorns hurt, the bleeding goes to the heart and kills even the successful pursuit. To get what one wants is the death of a dream. The thirst is the poison. Values honesty and truth but may often become cruel and ineffective.
Distancer: Enchanted by absence and loves that which is gone. Believes in friendship but does not miss it until it has flown away. Loss shows more value than tenderness. Sees beauty and tenderness from afar; criticism and pimples from close by. Confuses a house with a home. His/her reserve is a foretaste of coldness and loneliness. S/he is wise only in his/her isolation. Indirect and vague; will duck a straight answer. protective and careful; pessimistic; defend self and operate on principle and logic and thought.
Over time pursuer becomes tired of effort without reward. The distancer feels smothered. Flexibility of stances go a long way in calming the storm.
I'm going to go ahead and explicitly state that whether I distance or pursue depends on my interaction partner. The whole point of this post was to say that there is a sweet spot in distancer-pursuer dynamics that not every dyad finds.
ReplyDeleteand I understand that. Just pointing to the almost fact that people usually rely on one stance to the detriment of the other.
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